Gubak Surep

First of all, this is just a personal blog trying to process my personal experience, emotions, and feelings in light of my personal recent events which cause this frustration. Part of why this is happening probably was because I had these thoughts for several years, of my fears losing the ability to use my hands, or legs. The ability to hear. I already lost the ability to see normally ages ago, which also, probably the cause of my accident. I would like to apologize in advance for this post, if it seems insensitive. Again, this is just me trying to process. I don't know why, but since 2019, my August has always been cursed - if I ever leave my nest. The recent accident was worse, I fell into the sea, while I was just walking through this dark, un-illuminated path small dock in Sorong and somehow my left arm hit something which resulted in a broken arm - wearing spalk during the 4 hours flight to Jakarta which continued on several days - and a surgery to install plate and screws. It...

Today was a long day, and I came home with ache on both of my legs. Funny. I recalled those times when I was still in Tokyo, I could walk for miles and miles and hours after hours. Last time when mom visited, I walked back and forth here and there to accommodate both my mom and sister. My mom wasn't feeling well during the trip, and she couldn't walk to as many places as my sister could. It was also summer, yet I wasn't as tired as I'm feeling right now. After the trip finished, I sent them both off at Haneda airport. That time, I was feeling okay. I would meet them in a couple of months since I'd be graduating. I was okay, unlike those times when I sent my family off at Soetta after visiting me in Depok. I was always sad and would always cry after taking my mom, or my dad, or my sister (my brother rarely visited) there to go back to Padang. I felt lonely, and sad, and there was this huge hollowness of being left.  And just tonight, I was watching this music video a...

 日本を離れるとき、心が痛みました。自分に誓ったのは、日本の更新情報を見ないということです。 事実、私はまだ友達の投稿や日本に関する更新情報を見ていました。傷ついた気持ちからそう言ったのです。それは私の人生で最も素晴らしい時期であり、終わらなければなりませんでした。 時々SNSを開きたくないと感じることがありました。彼らがまだ日本で生活を楽しんでいるのを見て、私は現実に戻らなければなりませんでした。悲しんでいましたが、前に進まなければなりませんでした 時々、まだそこで知り合った人たちに連絡を取り、何かを言ったり、彼らの近況を尋ねたりしていました。 しかし、もはや共通の話題がないため、会話は行き詰まりました。その後、彼らがグループチャットで話しているのを見て、取り残された感じがしました。少し奇妙な感じがしました。大げさに言えば、疎外された感じがしました。 ありがたいことに、あるいは悲しいことに、私には日課がありました。日本やそこにいるみんなのことを考えなくてすむような日課です。しかし、一人でいるとき、突然思いがよぎり、また悲しくなることがありました。まるで心に突き刺さる痛みのように。 時には、彼らの中の何人かがまだ個人的にメッセージを送ってきました。不思議なことに、忘れられていないという感謝の気持ちがあります。まだ彼らの生活の一部であり、冗談を言い合えるということです。 私は内向的な性格で、何よりも平和を選びます。彼らが連絡を取りにくいなら、おそらく私からは連絡しません。終わったものは終わったのです。良い時期を過ごしましたし、それを台無しにすることはありません。 ただ、1年前、2年前に起きたことについての通知を見たとき、それはあまり助けにはならないですね。それが私の人生だったのか、と思ってしまいます。 When I was about to leave Japan, my heart ached. I swore to myself that I would not look at any updates from Japan. The fact is, I still saw my friends' posts and updates about Japan. I said those things because I felt hurt. It was t...

Entering the x -years of being single, I finally find some peace and the perks of being with no one. I get to know myself better, I somehow get more confident and believe in myself a bit. I can help my parents financially. I still dislike some of my personal traits, but on normal days - where I don't have hormone imbalances - I can somehow ignore them. I get to enjoy my days when I actually have money to do things; eating good food, going to places, and doing a lot of things with friends. Now that I live alone (again, after my student days in Japan), I am in the midst of figuring out of what I want to do. I get to hang out with friends whom I met from various chapter of my life who are still single, since the ones who are married are not always available. And this thing is what I want to address. I cannot always relate, understand, and/or empathize the struggle of my married friends; like why can't I tell my stories to them anymore or why don't they share theirs. Or when I ...

Because when I look at the sky, I see nothing. When I try to listen to the chirps, I hear nothing but cars honking. One day I hear them sing, but it was from the cage that's clanking. I thought I would never see birds again. Then I walked through the emptied lane. Without the motorcycles, cars, and all the men. High up in the trees, there are probably ten. I long for days with birds in the cities. Which at least for now, I can only hope from the bigger entities.

2023 is such a rollercoaster ride, while it was mostly screaming fun, I still had a few low moments. Especially now that I am not in Japan anymore. I tried to rationalize what I have been feeling by skimming through journal about re-entry/reverse culture shock. Quoting from Marquette University , re-entry is a common reaction to returning home from studying abroad. I felt sad, melancholic, and frustrated by how I should behave with my coworkers; wondering why I have been feeling down a lot for the past three months. Usually, I would just record video journal as a replacement for this blog/writing, however since it's already late at night and I need to get this out immediately without my sister listening what I am experiencing right now, I thought, "why not going back to my usual blog so I can process what to do or how to behave?" So here I am. After my birthday, which was a couple of days ago, I felt this sudden change of mood. I no longer desire to go on a hiking trip w...

 I Saw You Across The Classroom I would've never thought that the moment I saw him for the first time across our classroom was the moment that I would remember for the longest time. I was just a 14 year old kid who like pretty people with pretty eyes. Little did I know I would think over him over the years.. I got accepted to one of reputable public high school in my city, barely. My name was at the bottom of selection results, like, the last 5 people who got in to this school. Nevertheless, I was excited, of course. It was my dream to be a student here since it would help me path my way to go to reputable universities in the future. Back then, this school had two special programs, the acceleration program where you could study in high school for two years, and the international program - where you (were supposed to) learn all the subjects in English. I just finished my orientation and I was initially studying at grade X (ten) - 3. My mom, who was a high school teacher herself in a...

I wasn't sure before, whether to write it here or not, thinking that this story should be kept to myself (and a couple of people) and even if I want to make a memento out of this slice of my life, I should have just wrote it on my private journal. But yeah, I changed my mind. I've been practically sharing my thoughts here over the years, so I kinda want to do a little closure as well. And I don't intend to do a very simple closure like, "So yeah, long story short, I realise he will never reciprocate my feelings (even though I technically never confessed), I can never be with him and I am now officially over him. The End ." No, no. I have spent so many years, invested in this feeling, doing the stupidest things, ignoring the most obvious signs there were, and being delusional that I thought it's a curse that couldn't be helped. Noo, no. It deserves an epic, grande exit that needs my time, dedication, and my rusty storytelling skills to elaborate this story....

 I need to let this out. Think I've known this for a while, I just chose to forget it but, when my mother retires, she will go and come with me, live with me. In the past, I would've thought, it will be a long time til it happens, my mom's still teaching and it's gonna take years for that to happen. But now, she's gonna retire in 2 years and I'm still not married and there is a huge possibility that I'm gonna move out from Jakarta because the government changes the capital city of this country.  I have always had this thought for a while, I wanted to change nationality since I have no hope from this country. That looks like an easy way out, but when I brought this topic casually to my mom, she declines it, because whom she's gonna live with. She'd rather stay with me, it's an unofficial announcement that I'm the chosen child that will take care of her when she grows old. Look, I am not gonna argue about how that will make you special and you...

5 years ago, I was at the airport, waiting for my flight back to Jakarta. I wrote about it then, on this blog, how I regretted going back to Jakarta before my birthday and leaving my mom on Indonesian's Mother's Day. Now today, I am at home. Only this afternoon we all gathered in this house. My brother and his wife, my sister and her friend who came to pick her up, and mom and dad. Now, I am the only child at home. My sister went back to Jakarta and my brother, well.. he's with his wife at his in-laws'.  I realize how quiet this house is, without my brother and my sister. Whenever they're here, I tried to make it as noisy as I can so my parents can feel how lively this house is with their children. I would find excuses to bother my sister, or to yell at my brother like we used to do when we were younger. But, they have their own life now. Well, I, have my own life too.    I am supposed to go abroad to continue my study, but my destination country chose to ✨close✨the...

Hi. I just want to blow off some steam because the 29th of November, 2021 is so crappy I have to write it down to this blog. Today isn't exactly, crappiest from the moment I opened my eyes until the day changed. No. It's just, one thing to another, long story short, I kinda have uncertain departure and a very sloppy classes. For the past few days, omicron variant has been the topic on my twitter following. I thought it was just a tame, mild mutation of this freaking covid. Turns out, it makes countries banning and rising their restrictions again, no exception with my destined country. People were exceptionally noisy in the group chat everywhere, well of course, since it got us worried whether we're still good to go or not. I mean, we have flight ticket and visa on hand, but really, we really can never know the future indeed. The other pain in the ass is this assignment for one of my favourite class. Hecc, it's my favorite class this term. I was interested about the whol...

Taylor Swift just re-released and reclaimed her album Red yesterday. A lot of people, including my acquaintances and friends, celebrated this moment. Taylor's battle with her former record label was long and I'm sure it's exhausting. Taylor even advised young, aspiring singers to get a good lawyer if they want to get to the industry. Entertainment world is infamous for its manipulating environment, and it's suffice to say Taylor's battle and win are worth it. But I'm here not to write about her win and how I play her songs over and over again. Her songs are good, well-written, and catchy, but I never entirely relate to her songs, simply because I never experience the painful breakups, or to be in love. I might be delusional for years, but looking back, I think that damn, what the hell was that? I am terrible at being close and vulnerable to someone. I am also bad at being committed, not just to someone, but to anything? Long ago I used to like CN Blue, and I wou...

I've been using this app called Clue to track my cycle. One of the features is to track your energy which I noticed every time I have my period, it's always low. But today, especially this evening, when my period is already over a couple of days ago, I feel like I really don't have that much energy. Is there something wrong in my diet resulting this inconvenience? I admit I drank another palm sugar milk coffee from my favorite coffee shop this morning. And I didn't eat until it was late in the afternoon. I craved sugar so much I almost ordered another glass to satisfy my needs. But I didn't, I'm glad I can still control my appetite., Or is it because tomorrow is Monday and I still have classes from my preparatory program and another zoom meeting from work? These last couple of weeks have been testing my strength. I had nothing much happened in July until early August. Not that much zoom meetings, work is basically slow, it was perfect. I thought I could join the...

yesterday afternoon, when I was all alone at my place since my sister went to work, I suddenly felt chills all over my body. Not long after that, I had runny nose, sneezes, and my body started to warm up. "Oh, no." I said to myself. "I need to take medicine before it gets worse." So then I ate the spaghetti I just cooked, and I took one tablet of bodrex which I kept on my fridge. I checked the expiration date before swallowing it with a glass of water. When I was about to have a cold, I usually just sleep it off without taking any medicines. I was never fancy of that method, if it's not that bad I'd rather sleep the whole day and chug a lot of water. Considering current circumstances, where a slight cough or fever could be indications of this disease we now call COVID-19, I finally chose to take the drug, then went to sleep. It was 5.30 pm when I dozed off, covering myself with blanket and not using any fan or AC. I wanted to sweat my body off, to let myself...

I think it's completely normal to imagine your death, like what would happen if you're gone. I think the earliest time I was thinking of dying was in elementary school, when I had already been exposed to death scene from soap opera on TV. "What would happen if I die?", but that thought only stopped at that question and no made up scenarios I could have possibly thought of except "will my parents be sad and devastated?" Death itself was first exposed to toddler me. When I was around 3 or 4, when my parents still could only rent a house, a neighbor two blocks away passed away. As I sat next to his lying body I asked my parents who he was and what happened. "This is our neighbor. He passed away", my mom answered my questions. "What is passed away? Why" curious me kept asking the question. My memories kinda blurred, either mom scolded me and shush me and kept praying for the deceased, or she answered my question and told me, "it means he...

Tonight is a bit warmer than usual, although I am pretty sure I keep hearing the thunder outside but the rain is still not falling down. I have my fan spinning on its maximum speed to keep my body cool even though I just took a shower in the middle of the night. It's late, almost 2 am, and I just had the sudden urge to write my stories for the last couple of days. I haven't had quiet night like this for a while, not since my sister kept using my desk to finish her college assignments. Also, I usually went to bed early. But I did not do that for a couple of nights, sleep early. The coffee I took might be the factor, but my noisy thoughts have been keeping me up at night. I didn't work out/exercise, you name it, so my body pretty much was not technically tired, since being tired is usually what got me to sleep. And I didn't make use of this extra time of the day to do something productive, instead I kept scrolling my phone, switching apps, or just scrolling my side accoun...

Seeing how my parents now, I find myself that I kept repeating the same old chant. A negative one. And I know universe works on its own unexpected way, so I want to try a different approach. May I find someone who put me first, someone I can talk to about anything, who is wise kind and smart. I am working to be one myself, I am on my way to put my heart at ease, to love myself. To forgive how I was brought up. 

marriage

Counting on the days before going back to the capital city. Today I didn't join my parents on their daily morning walk, instead I tried random workout in my room, anything as long as I sweat. My mom planned to cook a lot of food, so I helped her peeling the shallots while munching some sala lauak that my dad bought afterwards. But the highlight of my day wasn't the tasty food I ate today, but it's the Among Us Polus lobby that I've played this evening. It's been a while since I've been on a nice lobby, with random people who just want to play with some strangers and chatted for a bit. It was really nice that I stayed for a couple of games. It's nice, it really was nice playing with them. It's been a couple of months since I started playing Among Us, and I gotta say that I love playing on public rooms, and it's always the North America servers. Sure, some of them were lame because of these underage kids cannot communicate and cheat, but I've actua...

Selamat malam. Saat ini, kurang dari 1 jam lagi sebelum sistem penanggalan berubah dari tahun 2020 menjadi 2021. Perdebatan setiap tahun yang selalu muncul, bahkan dari postingan adik saya pada status whatsapp-nya adalah jangan merayakan pergantian tahun baru. Kebetulan saya bukan hamba Islam yang ideal ya, jadi saya sih tidak masalah mengucapkan atau pergi berkumpul dan merayakan pergantian tahun masehi. Tapi masalahnya tahun ini kan ada pandemi, jadi mana ada perayaan seperti itu. Tapi saya pikir-pikir lagi sepertinya beberapa tahun terakhir saya sih tidak peduli. Pergantian tahun dari 2019 ke 2020 saja saya tidur lebih awal, dan bangun-bangun melihat sungai di belakang tempat tinggal saya sudah tinggi dan ada longsor kecil di sisi sungai. Hujan turun dengan derasnya, dan saya amat sangat bersyukur tempat tinggal saya aman dan tidak mengalami gangguan berarti, bahkan air keran masih relatif aman (untuk mandi dan mencuci). Tapi saya agak menyesal, tidak membuat refleksi terhadap apa s...