feelings and emotion

2023 is such a rollercoaster ride, while it was mostly screaming fun, I still had a few low moments. Especially now that I am not in Japan anymore. I tried to rationalize what I have been feeling by skimming through journal about re-entry/reverse culture shock.

Quoting from Marquette University, re-entry is a common reaction to returning home from studying abroad. I felt sad, melancholic, and frustrated by how I should behave with my coworkers; wondering why I have been feeling down a lot for the past three months. Usually, I would just record video journal as a replacement for this blog/writing, however since it's already late at night and I need to get this out immediately without my sister listening what I am experiencing right now, I thought, "why not going back to my usual blog so I can process what to do or how to behave?" So here I am.

After my birthday, which was a couple of days ago, I felt this sudden change of mood. I no longer desire to go on a hiking trip with my friend, I didn't continue on my presentation proposal for my work (technically I'm on leave, so), I even shut myself off from my coworkers, I just have zero energy to reply those messages on the group chat.

PMS? Probably.

It's coming soon.

Lack of outdoor activities? Exercises?

Yes, obviously ever since I came back my steps count fall significantly from 10,000 steps to barely make it to 1,000 a day.

What I did not realize, even though I prepare and anticipate it myself way before coming back, is that I cannot control how I feel. And the slump is indescribable. It wasn't bad like prior my studying abroad, but it is a whole new sadness and numbness of my daily life. Not to mention that I came back to punching my legs or my head every time I felt slight inconvenient of my own behavior - like punishing myself for feeling like this. No need to go down that hole of me imagining the worst thing to myself. I am not sure if it is severe, so much so I need to seek medical/psychology attention.

At least for now, by letting go of this rage this way, I felt less tense and I can regulate my feelings better, so that I don't have to vent my anger towards someone. Although sometimes I can't help it, I just feel this rage I kept feeling offended all the time. Dang it I have to do something about this.

Anyway, this is probably a reason why I am not with anyone ever - even though at the same time I see worse people still date/marry.