Gubak Surep

Selamat malam. Saat ini, kurang dari 1 jam lagi sebelum sistem penanggalan berubah dari tahun 2020 menjadi 2021. Perdebatan setiap tahun yang selalu muncul, bahkan dari postingan adik saya pada status whatsapp-nya adalah jangan merayakan pergantian tahun baru. Kebetulan saya bukan hamba Islam yang ideal ya, jadi saya sih tidak masalah mengucapkan atau pergi berkumpul dan merayakan pergantian tahun masehi. Tapi masalahnya tahun ini kan ada pandemi, jadi mana ada perayaan seperti itu. Tapi saya pikir-pikir lagi sepertinya beberapa tahun terakhir saya sih tidak peduli. Pergantian tahun dari 2019 ke 2020 saja saya tidur lebih awal, dan bangun-bangun melihat sungai di belakang tempat tinggal saya sudah tinggi dan ada longsor kecil di sisi sungai. Hujan turun dengan derasnya, dan saya amat sangat bersyukur tempat tinggal saya aman dan tidak mengalami gangguan berarti, bahkan air keran masih relatif aman (untuk mandi dan mencuci). Tapi saya agak menyesal, tidak membuat refleksi terhadap apa s

berlari-lari aku diburu-buru waktu harus ini dan itu jangan begini begitu terengah-engah aku ingin menangis namun malu "tahan sajalah", pikirku "demi masa depanku" sampai akhirnya aku terisak-isak pilu teringat kata ibu "aku ingin cucu" tertatih-tatih aku penuh bimbang dan ragu berpikir satu-satu walau semua kelabu

I've been reading my old posts from this blog and I didn't realize just how much I've been through, how far I've come. And today has been weird, and I have a feeling that there will be something, or that today happened because something is going to happen in the future. I'm not sure what is, but I'm just gonna write it here about what happened today hoping that when I stumble upon this writing again, I'd have the answer, just like when I read those old posts and I already had explanations. Today is weird because it was unusual, not like my days since the beginning of the pandemic. If I have to go to the office, my day usually goes like this: I wake up, I do Subuh prayer, I'll scroll my phone or just go to sleep again before waking up for my 7 am alarm to clock in. Then I will take a bath, iron my clothes (or not at all), check my phone again, and then I will go to work, taking the 7.30/8 am train. At the office I usually make a cup of instant coffee, cat

No matter what I have done in my life, I always think I am a disappointment to my parents. There was a time I failed the university entrance tests, or that time when I didn't finish my bachelor degree on time, that moment when I worked for a private company and considered to work on a non-governmental organization, that time when I was unemployed for a couple of months and had been nothing but a burden for both of my parents (well, for mom specifically, because she was the one who gave me money). During these times, I couldn't help but think that I can never make my parents proud or live to their expectations. For all of the aforementioned failures, I eventually got to make my parents relieved. I did get accepted at one of the best universities in the country, I did graduate from that university even though I was one semester late, and I did get a job at a government agency. Basically, I finally managed to check their list of the ideal standards of success. To this point, I bel

The night was surprisingly quiet, only the sound of the band was playing from a distance, a song of a lost soul I supposed, and his trembling voice explaining his other side of the story. I tucked my left hand inside my jacket and could feel the other one shaking. It was one cold autumn and I am still not used to this kind of temperature. "It must have been hard for you.." I finally said my words as I looked him in the eyes and holding his hand. He looked conflicted but relieved at the same time. We finally had this talk and I didn't know it was harder than what I've imagined and rehearsed in my head. How can we survive this long? "But you have no idea how it has been for me," I continued the talk and gripped his hand tighter. "For years, for years I have been asking what was this all about. You know me. You know all of my insecurities. You know I've never been through any kind of.." I choked and felt my eyes were about to burst. Dang it.

Ah.. why is the question like this? Hahaha I always have a hard time remembering significant things people say about me. Of course there are some hurtful things and good things they say about my personal trait. Some friends said I was quiet, scary and  arrogant at first, then they got to know me and they said I am funny, but these things are things I got by, I don't think that those are special. But suddenly my memory brought me back to 2013, when I accompanied one of my classmate at college to have lunch after doing some assignments, as I recall. We were talking about her current relationship situation, and a little story here and there until I mentioned that I never dated anyone (I just said this for the small talk) and her response was like this: "Maybe you should open up more, Ghin." I didn't realise it but I stopped smiling, for a split second I was shocked. I was denial at first, when she first uttered that sentence. I thought to myself, "How could you impl

Self Quarantine - Day ....  April is finally reaching its end.. Funny, it felt like it took forever for March to end and now here we are starting the month of Ramadan in this pandemic. A very sad Ramadan and I promise I will try to write everyday from this moment on. Today is also a sad day, apparently. Someone that I know from my early days of college (also someone that I've followed on many of my social media account, twitter to be exact) is facing another problem because of the injustice this country has to offer. Oh man do I write this right. It felt like surreal. I don't even know the guy closely but I admire how he's so persistent with everything he does, and how his writings have also influenced my views. It was really shocking that if you are trying to give a constructive feedback on policies, based on data and the knowledge you acquired, you could be caught by the civil force. I am just, tired. I literally just think about the case and my energy ran ou

Hi. So yesterday I finally fixed that leaky jet spray I have in my toilet. I felt this satisfaction because I just reached another level of living alone: fixing things without the help of a plumber. I mean as long as the damage was not big and I can fix it just by watching a YouTube videos, I think I can handle it. Ah... I was so happy yesterday. For a couple of days my package from internet shopping have been arriving and I had to go downstairs to pick them up (almost every day). Then yesterday when I picked an Innisfree moisturizer that I bought almost a week ago, I saw the cats near my tower and I was wondering whether they've eaten or not. Usually someone must've fed them, but looking at this situation, not many people go out just to feed them, I think. So I went back to my place and grabbed the cat dry food I've been keeping for months and I fed the cats. Surprisingly, there were a lot of cats turned up that day and they all ate what I gave. I was so happy

I don't know about myself anymore. I hate myself. I loathe my sister, her high voice. I hate how I become easily angry at things. I hate everything. My colleagues from work finally asked me why I am not on Twitter anymore. Oh I still am. I'm just using a different account and signed out from my main account. I hate seeing my friends there, or I just hate that I keep pouring my minds out there that I felt insecure about them reading too much of my mind. Or I just hate how intense the discussion about how Indonesian Government handle the pandemic. I don't know. I just grow distant because I am not having a real interaction there. I hate chatting on app. I really don't like every single thing. And stuck with my sister? Oh God. Can I just die already? Like instant die. Instantly vanished. My existence doesn't matter anymore I need a break from being just a pain in the ass from anyone. I hate myself so much and this is not even from my PMS talking. My period end

I actually felt better today, just a mild headache and less sneezing. But I still don't like how it feels, like I still can't function normally. I was supposed to go to the office today but I switched my schedule with my supervisor so I can come on Monday. I drank Yakult, but my stomach always grumble afterwards.. There's no sunshine today, so I didn't go out today.. My sister has been cooking me meals and I do the clean up, wash the dishes, do the laundry.. I don't know how long can I survive this condition. I need to talk to my friends!!! I ordered this San Gyu from grabfood app, it's some kind of rice with beef like the ones from Yoshinoya but cheaper. After I ate, I opened my phone to find several texts on WhatsApp from my family group chat, my office colleagues (my boss telling me the things I need to do once I go to the office this Monday) and my big school classmates group chat. One of my friend is getting married tomorrow but there will be no par

Hi. So last night when I went to bed, I felt a little cold in my feet. I thought maybe because of the AC from the next room so I stayed at the little room and the fan was off. I slept early and when I woke up, I have runny nose and sneeze a couple of times until now. I don't know if its because I didn't get enough sun or because I went downstairs yesterday to get my package and to buy some groceries, and oh God I don't want to continue. (Ok I just checked on WHO website and runny nose is not one of the symptoms. It's fever, tiredness, and dry cough. I don't cough. I don't feel tired just bored) Anyway.. My Whatsapp group has been flooding with information about this novel corona virus and COVID-19 in Jakarta. Apparently last night people were forwarding the letter from the Ministry of Transportation that they are going to stop the operation of commuter line, MRT, LRT, and TransJakarta started from 2 April 2020 (today). But I checked on Twitter p

It's day 17 working from home, after the government finally declared that it is dangerous to go outside and advised us, people who live in Jakarta especially, to stay at home and to work from home. But I am a government worker, and there is no way we can do this WFH thing 100%. I went to the office for the first two days, Monday and Tuesday, then Friday. On second week, I took the train again to go to the office on Thursday. And now entering the week 3, I have to go to the office on Friday. This self quarantine has made my emotion goes up and down. For the first two weeks I was okay, mainly because my younger brother was still here, finishing up his internship at local public accounting firm. He finally had to go back, even though the authority advises not to leave Jakarta but this is a hard decision, his life is not here in Jakarta. So I told him the precautions he has to take after arriving at the airport, change his clothes, not to touch my parents, take a bath, and wash hi