Langsung ke konten utama

a disappointment

No matter what I have done in my life, I always think I am a disappointment to my parents. There was a time I failed the university entrance tests, or that time when I didn't finish my bachelor degree on time, that moment when I worked for a private company and considered to work on a non-governmental organization, that time when I was unemployed for a couple of months and had been nothing but a burden for both of my parents (well, for mom specifically, because she was the one who gave me money). During these times, I couldn't help but think that I can never make my parents proud or live to their expectations. For all of the aforementioned failures, I eventually got to make my parents relieved. I did get accepted at one of the best universities in the country, I did graduate from that university even though I was one semester late, and I did get a job at a government agency. Basically, I finally managed to check their list of the ideal standards of success. To this point, I believe that my life pace is just slow.

And now I am entering a new line from "List of Things My Daughter Should Do but She Does Not," and that is the one and only: I want grandchildren, but my first-born is a loser who rejects every man we tried to set her up with. It's true. My dad never talked to me about wanting a son in law or grandchild, but he always tried to set me up with his God-knows-whose-son. These unknown numbers would call or text me, and I, who didn't know back then my dad gave my number to God knows who, was unprepared and obliged to replied the messages or answered the phone call. Maybe this is why I have been trying to erase my online trace so that when someone googled my name, it will show only a few pieces of information. My mom, on the other hand, has been telling me since I was in high school that I will have to marry someone one year after I graduate from university. omg lol jk ty 

Look.

They are not perfect, but I couldn't ask for better parents because they are. And I will forever feel grateful to have them as my parents. And that is why I've always felt these burdens when I couldn't make them happy. I have lived a healthy and safe life for almost 28 years, and it is only right to fulfill their happiness by bringing an offspring to this world but oh God. Oh, my great God. I haven't thought about it that much. I don't want to feel regret but I also haven't fully accepted myself. That would be problematic in the future if I still am not finished with myself.

This is just another rant.. An unsolvable rant.


Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

frustrated, or maybe even depressed

First of all, this is just a personal blog trying to process my personal experience, emotions, and feelings in light of my personal recent events which cause this frustration. Part of why this is happening probably was because I had these thoughts for several years, of my fears losing the ability to use my hands, or legs. The ability to hear. I already lost the ability to see normally ages ago, which also, probably the cause of my accident. I would like to apologize in advance for this post, if it seems insensitive. Again, this is just me trying to process. I don't know why, but since 2019, my August has always been cursed - if I ever leave my nest. The recent accident was worse, I fell into the sea, while I was just walking through this dark, un-illuminated path small dock in Sorong and somehow my left arm hit something which resulted in a broken arm - wearing spalk during the 4 hours flight to Jakarta which continued on several days - and a surgery to install plate and screws. It...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya

No, I'll go first

Today was a long day, and I came home with ache on both of my legs. Funny. I recalled those times when I was still in Tokyo, I could walk for miles and miles and hours after hours. Last time when mom visited, I walked back and forth here and there to accommodate both my mom and sister. My mom wasn't feeling well during the trip, and she couldn't walk to as many places as my sister could. It was also summer, yet I wasn't as tired as I'm feeling right now. After the trip finished, I sent them both off at Haneda airport. That time, I was feeling okay. I would meet them in a couple of months since I'd be graduating. I was okay, unlike those times when I sent my family off at Soetta after visiting me in Depok. I was always sad and would always cry after taking my mom, or my dad, or my sister (my brother rarely visited) there to go back to Padang. I felt lonely, and sad, and there was this huge hollowness of being left.  And just tonight, I was watching this music video a...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya

A Story of Unsuccessful Romance: Chapter 1

 I Saw You Across The Classroom I would've never thought that the moment I saw him for the first time across our classroom was the moment that I would remember for the longest time. I was just a 14 year old kid who like pretty people with pretty eyes. Little did I know I would think over him over the years.. I got accepted to one of reputable public high school in my city, barely. My name was at the bottom of selection results, like, the last 5 people who got in to this school. Nevertheless, I was excited, of course. It was my dream to be a student here since it would help me path my way to go to reputable universities in the future. Back then, this school had two special programs, the acceleration program where you could study in high school for two years, and the international program - where you (were supposed to) learn all the subjects in English. I just finished my orientation and I was initially studying at grade X (ten) - 3. My mom, who was a high school teacher herself in a...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya