a disappointment

No matter what I have done in my life, I always think I am a disappointment to my parents. There was a time I failed the university entrance tests, or that time when I didn't finish my bachelor degree on time, that moment when I worked for a private company and considered to work on a non-governmental organization, that time when I was unemployed for a couple of months and had been nothing but a burden for both of my parents (well, for mom specifically, because she was the one who gave me money). During these times, I couldn't help but think that I can never make my parents proud or live to their expectations. For all of the aforementioned failures, I eventually got to make my parents relieved. I did get accepted at one of the best universities in the country, I did graduate from that university even though I was one semester late, and I did get a job at a government agency. Basically, I finally managed to check their list of the ideal standards of success. To this point, I believe that my life pace is just slow.

And now I am entering a new line from "List of Things My Daughter Should Do but She Does Not," and that is the one and only: I want grandchildren, but my first-born is a loser who rejects every man we tried to set her up with. It's true. My dad never talked to me about wanting a son in law or grandchild, but he always tried to set me up with his God-knows-whose-son. These unknown numbers would call or text me, and I, who didn't know back then my dad gave my number to God knows who, was unprepared and obliged to replied the messages or answered the phone call. Maybe this is why I have been trying to erase my online trace so that when someone googled my name, it will show only a few pieces of information. My mom, on the other hand, has been telling me since I was in high school that I will have to marry someone one year after I graduate from university. omg lol jk ty 

Look.

They are not perfect, but I couldn't ask for better parents because they are. And I will forever feel grateful to have them as my parents. And that is why I've always felt these burdens when I couldn't make them happy. I have lived a healthy and safe life for almost 28 years, and it is only right to fulfill their happiness by bringing an offspring to this world but oh God. Oh, my great God. I haven't thought about it that much. I don't want to feel regret but I also haven't fully accepted myself. That would be problematic in the future if I still am not finished with myself.

This is just another rant.. An unsolvable rant.