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No, I'll go first

Today was a long day, and I came home with ache on both of my legs. Funny. I recalled those times when I was still in Tokyo, I could walk for miles and miles and hours after hours. Last time when mom visited, I walked back and forth here and there to accommodate both my mom and sister. My mom wasn't feeling well during the trip, and she couldn't walk to as many places as my sister could. It was also summer, yet I wasn't as tired as I'm feeling right now.

After the trip finished, I sent them both off at Haneda airport. That time, I was feeling okay. I would meet them in a couple of months since I'd be graduating. I was okay, unlike those times when I sent my family off at Soetta after visiting me in Depok. I was always sad and would always cry after taking my mom, or my dad, or my sister (my brother rarely visited) there to go back to Padang. I felt lonely, and sad, and there was this huge hollowness of being left. 

And just tonight, I was watching this music video about losing someone, "Gala Bunga Matahari". I think the song is poetic, and it was more about longing for someone who is no longer in this world and hoping they could still give some sort of signs to communicate, even though through sunflowers. The video shows a story about a couple, you know the rest if you watch it.

And, it got me thinking, again, about my existence in this world. Sure, it's too soon or I'm too young to think of this, but.. Maybe, just maybe, my soulmate is, death. Ah, well, it's too strong. Then, I'll say that, my soulmate, is myself. Until the end of my line. I remember the pictures my brother took of my parents with their granddaughter, I was thinking, "ah, that's the picture they've been wanting that they didn't get from me. Maybe, it's time for me to be out of the picture."

I had it good, this life. Sure, there were some hardships. But, I am surrounded by the most amazing people. I barely remember the pain now. 

This would be an ideal time to go. However, it's not me who decides it. Am I ready? Never in a million years. But, I would rather go first before anyone else. I mean, no one likes being left by people they love. But, other people have their own family, they have children. 

I don't.

So, not a lot of people would miss my presence. 

That would be, beautiful.

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