Gubak Surep

First of all, this is just a personal blog trying to process my personal experience, emotions, and feelings in light of my personal recent events which cause this frustration. Part of why this is happening probably was because I had these thoughts for several years, of my fears losing the ability to use my hands, or legs. The ability to hear. I already lost the ability to see normally ages ago, which also, probably the cause of my accident. I would like to apologize in advance for this post, if it seems insensitive. Again, this is just me trying to process. I don't know why, but since 2019, my August has always been cursed - if I ever leave my nest. The recent accident was worse, I fell into the sea, while I was just walking through this dark, un-illuminated path small dock in Sorong and somehow my left arm hit something which resulted in a broken arm - wearing spalk during the 4 hours flight to Jakarta which continued on several days - and a surgery to install plate and screws. It...

Today was a long day, and I came home with ache on both of my legs. Funny. I recalled those times when I was still in Tokyo, I could walk for miles and miles and hours after hours. Last time when mom visited, I walked back and forth here and there to accommodate both my mom and sister. My mom wasn't feeling well during the trip, and she couldn't walk to as many places as my sister could. It was also summer, yet I wasn't as tired as I'm feeling right now. After the trip finished, I sent them both off at Haneda airport. That time, I was feeling okay. I would meet them in a couple of months since I'd be graduating. I was okay, unlike those times when I sent my family off at Soetta after visiting me in Depok. I was always sad and would always cry after taking my mom, or my dad, or my sister (my brother rarely visited) there to go back to Padang. I felt lonely, and sad, and there was this huge hollowness of being left.  And just tonight, I was watching this music video a...

 日本を離れるとき、心が痛みました。自分に誓ったのは、日本の更新情報を見ないということです。 事実、私はまだ友達の投稿や日本に関する更新情報を見ていました。傷ついた気持ちからそう言ったのです。それは私の人生で最も素晴らしい時期であり、終わらなければなりませんでした。 時々SNSを開きたくないと感じることがありました。彼らがまだ日本で生活を楽しんでいるのを見て、私は現実に戻らなければなりませんでした。悲しんでいましたが、前に進まなければなりませんでした 時々、まだそこで知り合った人たちに連絡を取り、何かを言ったり、彼らの近況を尋ねたりしていました。 しかし、もはや共通の話題がないため、会話は行き詰まりました。その後、彼らがグループチャットで話しているのを見て、取り残された感じがしました。少し奇妙な感じがしました。大げさに言えば、疎外された感じがしました。 ありがたいことに、あるいは悲しいことに、私には日課がありました。日本やそこにいるみんなのことを考えなくてすむような日課です。しかし、一人でいるとき、突然思いがよぎり、また悲しくなることがありました。まるで心に突き刺さる痛みのように。 時には、彼らの中の何人かがまだ個人的にメッセージを送ってきました。不思議なことに、忘れられていないという感謝の気持ちがあります。まだ彼らの生活の一部であり、冗談を言い合えるということです。 私は内向的な性格で、何よりも平和を選びます。彼らが連絡を取りにくいなら、おそらく私からは連絡しません。終わったものは終わったのです。良い時期を過ごしましたし、それを台無しにすることはありません。 ただ、1年前、2年前に起きたことについての通知を見たとき、それはあまり助けにはならないですね。それが私の人生だったのか、と思ってしまいます。 When I was about to leave Japan, my heart ached. I swore to myself that I would not look at any updates from Japan. The fact is, I still saw my friends' posts and updates about Japan. I said those things because I felt hurt. It was t...

Entering the x -years of being single, I finally find some peace and the perks of being with no one. I get to know myself better, I somehow get more confident and believe in myself a bit. I can help my parents financially. I still dislike some of my personal traits, but on normal days - where I don't have hormone imbalances - I can somehow ignore them. I get to enjoy my days when I actually have money to do things; eating good food, going to places, and doing a lot of things with friends. Now that I live alone (again, after my student days in Japan), I am in the midst of figuring out of what I want to do. I get to hang out with friends whom I met from various chapter of my life who are still single, since the ones who are married are not always available. And this thing is what I want to address. I cannot always relate, understand, and/or empathize the struggle of my married friends; like why can't I tell my stories to them anymore or why don't they share theirs. Or when I ...

Because when I look at the sky, I see nothing. When I try to listen to the chirps, I hear nothing but cars honking. One day I hear them sing, but it was from the cage that's clanking. I thought I would never see birds again. Then I walked through the emptied lane. Without the motorcycles, cars, and all the men. High up in the trees, there are probably ten. I long for days with birds in the cities. Which at least for now, I can only hope from the bigger entities.

2023 is such a rollercoaster ride, while it was mostly screaming fun, I still had a few low moments. Especially now that I am not in Japan anymore. I tried to rationalize what I have been feeling by skimming through journal about re-entry/reverse culture shock. Quoting from Marquette University , re-entry is a common reaction to returning home from studying abroad. I felt sad, melancholic, and frustrated by how I should behave with my coworkers; wondering why I have been feeling down a lot for the past three months. Usually, I would just record video journal as a replacement for this blog/writing, however since it's already late at night and I need to get this out immediately without my sister listening what I am experiencing right now, I thought, "why not going back to my usual blog so I can process what to do or how to behave?" So here I am. After my birthday, which was a couple of days ago, I felt this sudden change of mood. I no longer desire to go on a hiking trip w...