Entering the x-years of being single, I finally find some peace and the perks of being with no one. I get to know myself better, I somehow get more confident and believe in myself a bit. I can help my parents financially. I still dislike some of my personal traits, but on normal days - where I don't have hormone imbalances - I can somehow ignore them. I get to enjoy my days when I actually have money to do things; eating good food, going to places, and doing a lot of things with friends. Now that I live alone (again, after my student days in Japan), I am in the midst of figuring out of what I want to do. I get to hang out with friends whom I met from various chapter of my life who are still single, since the ones who are married are not always available.
And this thing is what I want to address. I cannot always relate, understand, and/or empathize the struggle of my married friends; like why can't I tell my stories to them anymore or why don't they share theirs. Or when I try to understand if they cancel plans last minute, try to accept that they will bring their partner or their family when we meet up. At the same time, they also don't understand how it feels to be single at the age of 30-ish. Sure, it seems less challenging compared to having a little family, with the drama from both their family and in-laws. It's not comparable. But since they find happiness in their little family, what I've been getting from some of them is this question, "when are you getting married?" Same old song I have been questioning myself for years, same old chant people sing whenever they meet single people; as if they forget how it feels to be bombarded with that question. And it's tiring. It's tiring to answer the same question from different people, while making a small laughter and trying to maintain happy face to not seem offended - for the sake of social norm. It's draining.
I wrote here before that I'm afraid of this institution, of getting and being married. I wasn't sure that I'd be capable of sharing my space with other person, every-single-day. I learn a thing or two when I live with my sister for about 6 years, I learn that I can be extremely lazy and won't make up the bed, or do other domestic activities. I don't really cook, and I can't drive. I have temper, I hold grudge, and most importantly, I suffer from insecurities that are crippling. It's a work in progress, but I don't think it's a strong foundation to be a functional partner and/or parent.
By all means, I am good with children. I finally learn how to get along with babies and toddlers, but that's pretty much because I feel like I'm still a child inside. Or, since I don't experience of raising a child. I don't know how to change diapers, how to stay awake the whole night to feed them, to teach them how to interact with other people. I can just be a happy-childish self to interact with the kids; things I wasn't able to do in the past. I overcome this crippling anxiety by trying to forgive and believe in myself. That's pretty much it. Just earlier today, as I was walking back home from the train station, I got called and stopped by this woman who asked me questions about unfaithful husband. I was worried that this is a new scheme of scamming people, but turned out she was probably just confused and heartbroken that she needed to vent and ask for validations and advice. Things you do when you're grieving/brokenhearted, I understand that.
It reminds me of my own turning point exactly a year ago. It was a weird experience, to finally end the delusions I had been having for over a decade. I was mourning, I was questioning myself whether I was worth it, whether I was desirable, whether I was attractive, whether there is someone who would come through for me. That and the following events after that, finally helped me to make up my mind. That probably, in this world, my role is to stay single and to be the backbone of my nuclear family.
Look, I am grateful of my friends. I am grateful that they find happiness. I am grateful that they have their family. I wish nothing but the best and strength for them in this lifetime. But one thing I'll ask, to stop asking me the "when" question in every chance they get.
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