Day 2 - Something that Someone Told You About Yourself that You Never Forgot

Ah.. why is the question like this? Hahaha

I always have a hard time remembering significant things people say about me. Of course there are some hurtful things and good things they say about my personal trait. Some friends said I was quiet, scary and  arrogant at first, then they got to know me and they said I am funny, but these things are things I got by, I don't think that those are special. But suddenly my memory brought me back to 2013, when I accompanied one of my classmate at college to have lunch after doing some assignments, as I recall. We were talking about her current relationship situation, and a little story here and there until I mentioned that I never dated anyone (I just said this for the small talk) and her response was like this:

"Maybe you should open up more, Ghin."

I didn't realise it but I stopped smiling, for a split second I was shocked. I was denial at first, when she first uttered that sentence. I thought to myself, "How could you imply my story if we are not even close. You know nothing about my life." Yeah well of course I didn't say it to her. I just laughed it off. 

You see, (well I'm about to tell the truth here) I, for the 27 years of my borrowed time here on earth, have never been in a relationship. Up until now I cannot precisely know why, as there might be a couple of reasons that might affect my journey here, but one of the reasons is: I did not, and do not, want to be emotionally close to someone. Now that I remember it, when I left the city I had lived in for 17 years to continue my study, my main purpose was to involve in any social activities that I like to learn the soft skills I never had when I was in high school, aside from studying for my degree of course. I didn't picture myself to date anyone in college, I just want to have friends. If you ask me, yes, I did like someone but that's just it. I didn't make any move, nor anyone made any moves on me (or I was just clueless, I don't know). My low self esteem had played its major part, it was screaming "knock it off, who's gonna like you? no one."

I just didn't know that this friend of mine, whom I was never really close with, noticed that small trait of mine, that I did not open up. I wasn't close to my friends of my class. I was close to one person and most of my friends were from other faculties. There was something that I learned along the way ever since I moved to this city, that people do not really care about your story. Or maybe because I care more about the intimacy of sharing a story, between two people, rather than being in a social circle and throwing whatever they feel about anything. I can do that with my girl friend, but not with a guy.

I never forget that sentence my classmate told me 7 years ago, and every time I almost got close to someone, the moment I pictured every possibility I might have with this person and somehow it won't end up well in my mind, I keep my distance. Or did I just hope that this person to try harder? I might have built a veery tall wall here and I don't know if I ever open up. Opening up will only lead to getting hurt, and I really hate being hurt. I am fully aware protecting my own feeling will not do any justice either.