I think it's completely normal to imagine your death, like what would happen if you're gone. I think the earliest time I was thinking of dying was in elementary school, when I had already been exposed to death scene from soap opera on TV. "What would happen if I die?", but that thought only stopped at that question and no made up scenarios I could have possibly thought of except "will my parents be sad and devastated?"
Death itself was first exposed to toddler me. When I was around 3 or 4, when my parents still could only rent a house, a neighbor two blocks away passed away. As I sat next to his lying body I asked my parents who he was and what happened. "This is our neighbor. He passed away", my mom answered my questions. "What is passed away? Why" curious me kept asking the question. My memories kinda blurred, either mom scolded me and shush me and kept praying for the deceased, or she answered my question and told me, "it means he came back to Allah." That moment didn't really mean anything to me at that time, but when my great grandmother died when I was in elementary school and saw my mom cried, I recalled that moment and knew that when someone passed away, the closest ones to them would be sad and cry. So, death is a sad thing.
The first time I was seriously thinking what would happen if I die was in 2010, or was it 2011? My former high school fella passed away, everyone on my facebook page sent their condolences, shared their memories, and told her what a good person she was and how she will be missed. I was on my way to my dorm's cafeteria when it stunned me. Will my friends miss me when I die, was I good enough person to be remembered, have I touched my friends' heart with my kindness? Or was I kind enough, or was I just a selfish, self-centered friend after all? That thought bothered me from time to time until I also saw that a former classmate from political 101 class that I took in freshmen year passed away from an accident. I saw tweets coming from everyone I know in the faculty, reminisce about the time they knew her. Her last tweets is what I am using now as the title.
"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song.."
This song was sung again in 2013 on Glee special episode, when Cory Monteith, a cast on Glee, my favorite show at that time (still is actually, except for the last season) was found dead in a hotel room from a toxic combination of alcohol and heroin. I was in the office where I was in an internship as the news broke on twitter. Naya sang this song beautifully, and broken heartedly. I kept repeating this song for the whole month, around 8 years ago, and would like this song to be my dying song, although I might not be good enough to be sent away with a love song. I feel like I see myself as a loner and don't deserve any attention from anyone, though I also intentionally seek for attention in my social media, I really don't want people to give me the attention. Huh, ironic isn't it. This song was also in my head in 2015-2016, when I was on my first real job, and was in stressed a lot. I killed myself several times in my head, in a worst possible way, to cope with the way I handled my life and problems. I got satisfaction by making myself tortured, and I know it was kinda twisted but I was at my lowest at that time. I think I was not mentally prepared to face adulthood, and to face everything alone, not being able to work at my dream job, or becoming overly jealous at my friends' life prior to graduation who either got married, or went to study abroad. So the only thing that release my frustration and thrills me is that kms thing.
Haha.
Being in this pandemic, when the Delta variant is going wild and rapidly took people's life, I've seen more and more condolences messages anywhere, especially on twitter (I swear I think I live on twitter somehow). My timeline mostly shows condolences tweet for people who were in entertainment industry, or people who have a lot of followers who passed away. Recently, I saw someone who was active to express his opinions (to be honest I was disturbed by his tweets, I don't even follow him but somehow they kept appearing on my timeline that I had to mute his account, later I found out he even realized his addiction to post something on social media), passed away from covid19. Tons of messages were sent to his handle, by how amazing person he was, how smart he was, and how kind he was. He lived a good life, I think, and that's good. But then again it hit me, how many people will miss me? Will my friend only miss me at that time then they move on quickly with their life, as if nothing significant happened? I would rather people just treat my death as nothing, I know I am not a good person, annoying and full of complain really. My existence only means something to my family, maybe. Other than that, I think I am just a nuisance really. That's how low I see myself. But I still want to live a good life, have a lot of money to support my parents and siblings, and to travel to other countries.
If I die, just forget me the day I am buried.
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