Tonight is a bit warmer than usual, although I am pretty sure I keep hearing the thunder outside but the rain is still not falling down. I have my fan spinning on its maximum speed to keep my body cool even though I just took a shower in the middle of the night. It's late, almost 2 am, and I just had the sudden urge to write my stories for the last couple of days. I haven't had quiet night like this for a while, not since my sister kept using my desk to finish her college assignments. Also, I usually went to bed early.
But I did not do that for a couple of nights, sleep early. The coffee I took might be the factor, but my noisy thoughts have been keeping me up at night. I didn't work out/exercise, you name it, so my body pretty much was not technically tired, since being tired is usually what got me to sleep. And I didn't make use of this extra time of the day to do something productive, instead I kept scrolling my phone, switching apps, or just scrolling my side account on twitter, where I mostly tweeted for the past month because I want to pour my heart and thoughts into joining the fandom of shingeki no kyojin/Attack on Titan. My life is not really organized as I might seem like I don't have any purpose in life, and I might regret it later, but this unorganized life has been making me feel all kinds of emotion that I haven't felt for the last couple of years. Thanks to the manhwa/manga/webtoon that I intensely read for the past month, I was finally able to escape my inability to process and express my own feelings to people around me. In other words, I think I was becoming indifferent.
I have these thoughts a couple weeks ago, "ah, my life feels kinda dull these days". I kept most of my feelings inside, I don't really share my story or my thoughts to people around me, and the strongest feeling I have ever delivered was being upset to my sister's noisiness. She is the kind of person who can't stand being alone and in total silence, while I am the kind of person who value solitude and serenity in my cocoon. I also found myself getting more physically violent towards my sister. No, nothing dangerous, it's just like little physical fight that siblings use to do when we were younger, a little slap or a little kick here and there. I haven't done it in a looong time, yet I do it recently. So I mumbled another sentence on my mind, "if only I have a little sparks or a little drama in my life, that would be exciting".
And so the universe responded. I was given a chance to go for a business trip with my work colleagues, first time since I work at this agency (yeah I never had one). On the day I was planning to take COVID-19 test at the train station, I took a bike taxi and when I was on my way, since I didn't properly put the helmet on, it fell on the road. Fortunately, the road was almost empty I could get off and chase after the helmet. A kind, another bike taxi driver helped pick the helmet up and place it on the side road. I was so embarrassed I kept apologizing to the driver. I was so worried that I might damage the helmet that my heart beat fast. Glad it wasn't.
The business trip was fine. What was not fine is what happened after that. I already reached my former colleague whom I became friend with to tell her that I planned to visit her town. But turned out, she had another plan with her husband. Then I remembered two of my friends also live in that city, but surprise surprise, I couldn't see them either. One was busy, and the other one was actually not in town. I was sipping on my coffee when I finally realized most of my friends have their own family, and I've never felt lonelier than that. They usually have time to meet up, at least I could see one friend when I am visiting his/her town. I bet those days are finally over.
Reality, checked.
Last time I visited that town, I was brokenhearted. I was with my friends, attending a wedding. But when I took the train back to Jakarta, I had sad songs playing on repeat, trying to convince myself to move on. Bandung was nice, it will always be my favorite city. Every memories I've made there were special because I had my friends with me. Now, it's empty and meaningless. I vowed myself if I ever visited that town again, if it wasn't for business trip, I won't go alone. I will be with my own family.
Ah, I actually want to tell another story. That time I got to play Among Us with Roddrick Hefley from Diary of Wimpy Kid. A full month of (Re)learning Japanese, my (old) new obsession with anime, manga, and manhwa, and how I really want to meet Hajime Isayama and shake his hands and thanking him for his masterpiece. But I ran out of time, I actually had something really important to tend to. Something I've been delaying because of my incompetence and my impostor syndrome got the worst of me. To conclude, I'm having a new story for the past couple of months in 2021. I got to feel a range of emotions and feelings again, and if God permits, I am about to embark to a new land.
Wish me luck, and love.
Komentar
Posting Komentar