Crappy Monday

Hi.

I just want to blow off some steam because the 29th of November, 2021 is so crappy I have to write it down to this blog. Today isn't exactly, crappiest from the moment I opened my eyes until the day changed. No. It's just, one thing to another, long story short, I kinda have uncertain departure and a very sloppy classes. For the past few days, omicron variant has been the topic on my twitter following. I thought it was just a tame, mild mutation of this freaking covid. Turns out, it makes countries banning and rising their restrictions again, no exception with my destined country. People were exceptionally noisy in the group chat everywhere, well of course, since it got us worried whether we're still good to go or not. I mean, we have flight ticket and visa on hand, but really, we really can never know the future indeed.

The other pain in the ass is this assignment for one of my favourite class. Hecc, it's my favorite class this term. I was interested about the whole lessons, but not so much about getting the assignments done. I thought I did submit my less-than-required-words-essay to the google form link. However, the professors just emailed me saying they didn't receive my essay and asked me to confirm whether I've submitted it and it's just technical error or I never submitted it. Emphasize in the "don't bother to submit because it's already late".

You know, I aim to be way better than when I did my undergrad, in terms of grades. With this careless mistake, I think it is safe to say good bye to my better gpa this semester. I know it's no excuse but taking 6 classes, having to take care all of the documents to depart, going to places for these documents, and constantly worrying whether you're good enough to study at this university make my legs restless and my breath go faster. I am always nervous, and if not nervous, I just binge eating.

I was just a very low-mediocre students before, and now I go even lower. I held no strategic positions, I learned nothing about economics, I have stage fright, my academic English is getting worse and worse. I know I cannot compare my progress and how much I achieved this far, but damn most of my friends in my program are extremely awesome and smart. I can see they are insecure, too. But I wish I could scream in their ears that they're good and will definitely not fail and get highest score. 

I have impostor syndrome, that's why I doubt everything I have achieved so far. Mom said I got accepted because of her prayers. True, true. I never imagine to go this far but here I am, a civil servant top university graduate who's continuing her study "supposedly" abroad by scholarship. I feel like I did not deserve any of this, I bet a lot of people were surprised like, they don't believe it because they know their perception of me is not that great.

Whatever. I should go to sleep. It's 01:06