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Red


Taylor Swift just re-released and reclaimed her album Red yesterday. A lot of people, including my acquaintances and friends, celebrated this moment. Taylor's battle with her former record label was long and I'm sure it's exhausting. Taylor even advised young, aspiring singers to get a good lawyer if they want to get to the industry. Entertainment world is infamous for its manipulating environment, and it's suffice to say Taylor's battle and win are worth it.

But I'm here not to write about her win and how I play her songs over and over again. Her songs are good, well-written, and catchy, but I never entirely relate to her songs, simply because I never experience the painful breakups, or to be in love. I might be delusional for years, but looking back, I think that damn, what the hell was that?

I am terrible at being close and vulnerable to someone. I am also bad at being committed, not just to someone, but to anything? Long ago I used to like CN Blue, and I would watch every variety show they were in and listen to their songs. Then one day it just hit me, I am pathetic. Then I entirely stopped listening, or keeping up with their news. 

Another story, when it was in early pandemic, I chose to take ojek to my office, simply because I hope that I would help them to earn money (I know I was risking my and their health), then this lady would always wait for me, hope that I only take her ojek. I felt burdened and guilty so I would just walk (like I usually do before) or just ignore her and hopped on another ojek. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, I avoid at being attached to something/someone. I don't know why exactly I am doing this nonsense. Maybe I am just protecting my feelings? Geez, what a fragile one. Guess being constantly let down by others long ago have made me this way. I know, I know, it's my expectation of others that made me disappointed. But of course my solution to all of my problems is to avoid overcoming what's troubling me and run away instead. Truly one heck of solution from yours truly ❤️

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これを書き留めておく必要があります。そうしないと、気持ちが溜まってしまいます。

 日本を離れるとき、心が痛みました。自分に誓ったのは、日本の更新情報を見ないということです。 事実、私はまだ友達の投稿や日本に関する更新情報を見ていました。傷ついた気持ちからそう言ったのです。それは私の人生で最も素晴らしい時期であり、終わらなければなりませんでした。 時々SNSを開きたくないと感じることがありました。彼らがまだ日本で生活を楽しんでいるのを見て、私は現実に戻らなければなりませんでした。悲しんでいましたが、前に進まなければなりませんでした 時々、まだそこで知り合った人たちに連絡を取り、何かを言ったり、彼らの近況を尋ねたりしていました。 しかし、もはや共通の話題がないため、会話は行き詰まりました。その後、彼らがグループチャットで話しているのを見て、取り残された感じがしました。少し奇妙な感じがしました。大げさに言えば、疎外された感じがしました。 ありがたいことに、あるいは悲しいことに、私には日課がありました。日本やそこにいるみんなのことを考えなくてすむような日課です。しかし、一人でいるとき、突然思いがよぎり、また悲しくなることがありました。まるで心に突き刺さる痛みのように。 時には、彼らの中の何人かがまだ個人的にメッセージを送ってきました。不思議なことに、忘れられていないという感謝の気持ちがあります。まだ彼らの生活の一部であり、冗談を言い合えるということです。 私は内向的な性格で、何よりも平和を選びます。彼らが連絡を取りにくいなら、おそらく私からは連絡しません。終わったものは終わったのです。良い時期を過ごしましたし、それを台無しにすることはありません。 ただ、1年前、2年前に起きたことについての通知を見たとき、それはあまり助けにはならないですね。それが私の人生だったのか、と思ってしまいます。 When I was about to leave Japan, my heart ached. I swore to myself that I would not look at any updates from Japan. The fact is, I still saw my friends' posts and updates about Japan. I said those things because I felt hurt. It was t...
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