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What is your dream?

 I need to let this out.

Think I've known this for a while, I just chose to forget it but, when my mother retires, she will go and come with me, live with me. In the past, I would've thought, it will be a long time til it happens, my mom's still teaching and it's gonna take years for that to happen. But now, she's gonna retire in 2 years and I'm still not married and there is a huge possibility that I'm gonna move out from Jakarta because the government changes the capital city of this country. 

I have always had this thought for a while, I wanted to change nationality since I have no hope from this country. That looks like an easy way out, but when I brought this topic casually to my mom, she declines it, because whom she's gonna live with. She'd rather stay with me, it's an unofficial announcement that I'm the chosen child that will take care of her when she grows old. Look, I am not gonna argue about how that will make you special and you'd get all the reward from God for taking care of your parents. This makes me starts to think about what I actually want to do in life. I want to live abroad, that's for sure. I've been dreaming about that since long ago. Second, I want to travel around the world; now that I have some friends from other parts of the world I plan to visit them one day, after graduating. Career wise, I just want to progress and get promoted so that I can have better pay. 

These dreams are not including the dominant variable of my life: I am a first-born daughter who are still not married and have no offspring. The way I see my mom, it seems like she imagine the retirement life like this: to live with her married first born and take care of her grandchildren. Live peacefully and healthily. 

I.

Look, it's 2022. The closest I get to marriage was those set-ups my parents have been trying to do since 2017. All of those guys that I've never been interested with. I am taking master's, and God knows whom I'll meet during this time.

I know, I know.. 

Life will find its way, I'll get what's best for me. It just got me overthink this evening because of the things that traditionally should've happened but haven't. Who the fuck is my future husband? Where the fuck will I live? Where should I buy house? How much should I provide for my family? 


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