Gubak Surep

Why am I such a coward? Encouraging people around me to face and deal with their problems, assure them that it's gonna be okay but I can't do such thing to myself. Can't even convince myself to deal with mine. Leave me hanging for years and hiding. Scared to face it and let it rot. I hate it when I do that. Hate it more when I'm having a meltdown every once in a while. Hate it to the core that I'm picturing things again. Why do I exist again? If I am to bring nothing but pain. If I am to give nothing but empty promises. I hate it when I'm having this meltdown. I'm trying to convince myself, "hey, no one is perfect. Everyone has their own flaws." But mine? I think it's the worst. I hate myself when I'm having a meltdown.

"I’m done trying to get you. I can’t do it anymore. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure it out, but I promise I’m done making a fool of myself." Barney to Robin, How I Met Your Mother S08E08 Earlier this month I discovered something related to my long-term crush, which eventually turned out to be wrong but I still chose to believe it anyway. This thing was like my exit, because I need an exit, for me to move on with my life. I've spent so many years thinking about the same person and it got worse for the past two years to the point I can't handle it anymore. I have told practically everyone but him about my feelings, hoping that it'll reduce the speed of my pounding heart, the amount of imaginary life I'd had if I became his future partner. But, no. Every time I had a chance to meet him I can't help but stole a glance to see him, admiring how bright his eyes are. And the moment we were apart, I can't stop but thinking every moment I've ...

This story was originally posted on my Tumblr. Had to set it to private because of, reasons. This, is a story of How I Die…. No, no. It’s actually one of the sad story of a senior student. How she became so careless about her university’s life. It all began when a young maiden called Nedayah decided to click a subject oh her academic report. The Senior Thesis. A six credit subject that leads most of seniors to success, or never ending failures. There are many tears and blood and sad and painful stories behind this. No matter what, when you decided to graduate university or college from this path, you have to go forward. You have got to decide what kind of problem you want to take for research, what kind of methods you want to use, and what are the reasons why you choose this problem. So one day, Nedayah had an idea. That she will take a research about: the formulation of a local regulation about buildings. Her minds wandered for so long, thinking about what city she would choose....

Hello, 2019. First day of this Gregorian calendar and the first off day in weeks after having a full month of overtime work at my second unit of internship. I have used my time wisely: not going out and just stay at home doing things. Time, well spent ☺. 2018 was a good year. I was happier, compared to 2016 and 2017, but I carried a heavy burden on my mind because I was such a jerk and coward and chickened out. I am sorry. I am sorry that I just realized that I am not a good person. I am sorry for everything but the thoughts of every possibilities that might happen if I see you scared the shit out of me. Why am I like this? Why? I hated it. But I'm grateful. I met a couple of good friends who have the same jokes, similar taste of food, and love the idea of exploring new places other than shopping malls. They are the kind of people I didn't have when I was working at the last two different offices. I created so many memories with them that I will cherish til the end of my l...

I was walking with my friends, former roommate and current roommate here in Depok, on our way to MUI to do taraweeh prayer when there were bunch of kids waiting for firecrackers to explode. Small scale of fire were lit, but the sound of explosion scared us a little. And as I am typing this, another one just exploded -_- "When I was younger, I only played with small fireworks and colorful candles", I made a sudden commentary as we continued to walk. "Me too", Dyta agreed with what I just said. We talked about something else as we passed the rail heading to the mosque, but my mind wandered to years ago when I was in elementary school and always looked forward to Ramadan month, the holiest month in Islamic calendar. No, not the part where we fast from dawn to sunset, because I once witnessed my friends intentionally drink a glass of water in the afternoon and recite "Astaghfirullah" for a 100 times 😂😂 (not me, I am proud to say I never broke the fast ...

I've lived and stayed at this very room for almost 7 years. It's just how I roll, once I'm comfortable with something, it'll be hard for me to leave it. Same with crush. I find myself thinking about the same person after all these years. There were times I denied it, justifying things and said I was only attracted because of his perfection. But as time passed, and I actually had a few personal talk with this person, I liked it. Without I realized it, I took some of his advice and always took some consideration of his opinions. I'm emotionally invested with this feeling I am afraid it just won't do any justice for my future. I find it hard to open up to someone, to be close with literally any men I know. Whether it's because I am just delusional thinking I'd end up with him or I am just not that into relationship because of my inferiorities, I don't know. I gotta admit I never know what it's like to love someone and care at somebody's well b...

Karena w pen biasa aja ngajak doi without being so obvious and nervous but anything about him just makes me nervous these days help.