I'm done

"I’m done trying to get you. I can’t do it anymore. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure it out, but I promise I’m done making a fool of myself." Barney to Robin, How I Met Your Mother S08E08

Earlier this month I discovered something related to my long-term crush, which eventually turned out to be wrong but I still chose to believe it anyway. This thing was like my exit, because I need an exit, for me to move on with my life. I've spent so many years thinking about the same person and it got worse for the past two years to the point I can't handle it anymore. I have told practically everyone but him about my feelings, hoping that it'll reduce the speed of my pounding heart, the amount of imaginary life I'd had if I became his future partner. But, no. Every time I had a chance to meet him I can't help but stole a glance to see him, admiring how bright his eyes are. And the moment we were apart, I can't stop but thinking every moment I've had with him, wondering when I will get to see him again.

It's tiring. It's been years. And I told myself since forever that I need to stop. I kept watching this HIMYM episode where Barney told Robin that he's done trying to get her, relate it with my own story because I keep making a fool of myself. I, hate, having this feeling for years. I'm not the brightest mind, I kept making wrong decisions but falling for someone who doesn't even know/doesn't even care about your feelings only made it worse.

I was staring at the back of his head as we took the train to Bandung. I smiled, thanking him in silence for this 11 years and 5 months story. You might never acknowledge this feeling, nor knowing that I kept writing on my private journal every time I had dreams about you or just simply missed your presence, but thank you. I got to have this feeling that I'm about to end.

I am done.

Depok, February 2019