Gubak Surep

Selamat malam. Saat ini, kurang dari 1 jam lagi sebelum sistem penanggalan berubah dari tahun 2020 menjadi 2021. Perdebatan setiap tahun yang selalu muncul, bahkan dari postingan adik saya pada status whatsapp-nya adalah jangan merayakan pergantian tahun baru. Kebetulan saya bukan hamba Islam yang ideal ya, jadi saya sih tidak masalah mengucapkan atau pergi berkumpul dan merayakan pergantian tahun masehi. Tapi masalahnya tahun ini kan ada pandemi, jadi mana ada perayaan seperti itu. Tapi saya pikir-pikir lagi sepertinya beberapa tahun terakhir saya sih tidak peduli. Pergantian tahun dari 2019 ke 2020 saja saya tidur lebih awal, dan bangun-bangun melihat sungai di belakang tempat tinggal saya sudah tinggi dan ada longsor kecil di sisi sungai. Hujan turun dengan derasnya, dan saya amat sangat bersyukur tempat tinggal saya aman dan tidak mengalami gangguan berarti, bahkan air keran masih relatif aman (untuk mandi dan mencuci). Tapi saya agak menyesal, tidak membuat refleksi terhadap apa s

berlari-lari aku diburu-buru waktu harus ini dan itu jangan begini begitu terengah-engah aku ingin menangis namun malu "tahan sajalah", pikirku "demi masa depanku" sampai akhirnya aku terisak-isak pilu teringat kata ibu "aku ingin cucu" tertatih-tatih aku penuh bimbang dan ragu berpikir satu-satu walau semua kelabu

I've been reading my old posts from this blog and I didn't realize just how much I've been through, how far I've come. And today has been weird, and I have a feeling that there will be something, or that today happened because something is going to happen in the future. I'm not sure what is, but I'm just gonna write it here about what happened today hoping that when I stumble upon this writing again, I'd have the answer, just like when I read those old posts and I already had explanations. Today is weird because it was unusual, not like my days since the beginning of the pandemic. If I have to go to the office, my day usually goes like this: I wake up, I do Subuh prayer, I'll scroll my phone or just go to sleep again before waking up for my 7 am alarm to clock in. Then I will take a bath, iron my clothes (or not at all), check my phone again, and then I will go to work, taking the 7.30/8 am train. At the office I usually make a cup of instant coffee, cat

No matter what I have done in my life, I always think I am a disappointment to my parents. There was a time I failed the university entrance tests, or that time when I didn't finish my bachelor degree on time, that moment when I worked for a private company and considered to work on a non-governmental organization, that time when I was unemployed for a couple of months and had been nothing but a burden for both of my parents (well, for mom specifically, because she was the one who gave me money). During these times, I couldn't help but think that I can never make my parents proud or live to their expectations. For all of the aforementioned failures, I eventually got to make my parents relieved. I did get accepted at one of the best universities in the country, I did graduate from that university even though I was one semester late, and I did get a job at a government agency. Basically, I finally managed to check their list of the ideal standards of success. To this point, I bel

The night was surprisingly quiet, only the sound of the band was playing from a distance, a song of a lost soul I supposed, and his trembling voice explaining his other side of the story. I tucked my left hand inside my jacket and could feel the other one shaking. It was one cold autumn and I am still not used to this kind of temperature. "It must have been hard for you.." I finally said my words as I looked him in the eyes and holding his hand. He looked conflicted but relieved at the same time. We finally had this talk and I didn't know it was harder than what I've imagined and rehearsed in my head. How can we survive this long? "But you have no idea how it has been for me," I continued the talk and gripped his hand tighter. "For years, for years I have been asking what was this all about. You know me. You know all of my insecurities. You know I've never been through any kind of.." I choked and felt my eyes were about to burst. Dang it.

Ah.. why is the question like this? Hahaha I always have a hard time remembering significant things people say about me. Of course there are some hurtful things and good things they say about my personal trait. Some friends said I was quiet, scary and  arrogant at first, then they got to know me and they said I am funny, but these things are things I got by, I don't think that those are special. But suddenly my memory brought me back to 2013, when I accompanied one of my classmate at college to have lunch after doing some assignments, as I recall. We were talking about her current relationship situation, and a little story here and there until I mentioned that I never dated anyone (I just said this for the small talk) and her response was like this: "Maybe you should open up more, Ghin." I didn't realise it but I stopped smiling, for a split second I was shocked. I was denial at first, when she first uttered that sentence. I thought to myself, "How could you impl

Self Quarantine - Day ....  April is finally reaching its end.. Funny, it felt like it took forever for March to end and now here we are starting the month of Ramadan in this pandemic. A very sad Ramadan and I promise I will try to write everyday from this moment on. Today is also a sad day, apparently. Someone that I know from my early days of college (also someone that I've followed on many of my social media account, twitter to be exact) is facing another problem because of the injustice this country has to offer. Oh man do I write this right. It felt like surreal. I don't even know the guy closely but I admire how he's so persistent with everything he does, and how his writings have also influenced my views. It was really shocking that if you are trying to give a constructive feedback on policies, based on data and the knowledge you acquired, you could be caught by the civil force. I am just, tired. I literally just think about the case and my energy ran ou