Gubak Surep

Entering the x -years of being single, I finally find some peace and the perks of being with no one. I get to know myself better, I somehow get more confident and believe in myself a bit. I can help my parents financially. I still dislike some of my personal traits, but on normal days - where I don't have hormone imbalances - I can somehow ignore them. I get to enjoy my days when I actually have money to do things; eating good food, going to places, and doing a lot of things with friends. Now that I live alone (again, after my student days in Japan), I am in the midst of figuring out of what I want to do. I get to hang out with friends whom I met from various chapter of my life who are still single, since the ones who are married are not always available. And this thing is what I want to address. I cannot always relate, understand, and/or empathize the struggle of my married friends; like why can't I tell my stories to them anymore or why don't they share theirs. Or when I

Because when I look at the sky, I see nothing. When I try to listen to the chirps, I hear nothing but cars honking. One day I hear them sing, but it was from the cage that's clanking. I thought I would never see birds again. Then I walked through the emptied lane. Without the motorcycles, cars, and all the men. High up in the trees, there are probably ten. I long for days with birds in the cities. Which at least for now, I can only hope from the bigger entities.

2023 is such a rollercoaster ride, while it was mostly screaming fun, I still had a few low moments. Especially now that I am not in Japan anymore. I tried to rationalize what I have been feeling by skimming through journal about re-entry/reverse culture shock. Quoting from Marquette University , re-entry is a common reaction to returning home from studying abroad. I felt sad, melancholic, and frustrated by how I should behave with my coworkers; wondering why I have been feeling down a lot for the past three months. Usually, I would just record video journal as a replacement for this blog/writing, however since it's already late at night and I need to get this out immediately without my sister listening what I am experiencing right now, I thought, "why not going back to my usual blog so I can process what to do or how to behave?" So here I am. After my birthday, which was a couple of days ago, I felt this sudden change of mood. I no longer desire to go on a hiking trip w

 I Saw You Across The Classroom I would've never thought that the moment I saw him for the first time across our classroom was the moment that I would remember for the longest time. I was just a 14 year old kid who like pretty people with pretty eyes. Little did I know I would think over him over the years.. I got accepted to one of reputable public high school in my city, barely. My name was at the bottom of selection results, like, the last 5 people who got in to this school. Nevertheless, I was excited, of course. It was my dream to be a student here since it would help me path my way to go to reputable universities in the future. Back then, this school had two special programs, the acceleration program where you could study in high school for two years, and the international program - where you (were supposed to) learn all the subjects in English. I just finished my orientation and I was initially studying at grade X (ten) - 3. My mom, who was a high school teacher herself in a

I wasn't sure before, whether to write it here or not, thinking that this story should be kept to myself (and a couple of people) and even if I want to make a memento out of this slice of my life, I should have just wrote it on my private journal. But yeah, I changed my mind. I've been practically sharing my thoughts here over the years, so I kinda want to do a little closure as well. And I don't intend to do a very simple closure like, "So yeah, long story short, I realise he will never reciprocate my feelings (even though I technically never confessed), I can never be with him and I am now officially over him. The End ." No, no. I have spent so many years, invested in this feeling, doing the stupidest things, ignoring the most obvious signs there were, and being delusional that I thought it's a curse that couldn't be helped. Noo, no. It deserves an epic, grande exit that needs my time, dedication, and my rusty storytelling skills to elaborate this story.

 I need to let this out. Think I've known this for a while, I just chose to forget it but, when my mother retires, she will go and come with me, live with me. In the past, I would've thought, it will be a long time til it happens, my mom's still teaching and it's gonna take years for that to happen. But now, she's gonna retire in 2 years and I'm still not married and there is a huge possibility that I'm gonna move out from Jakarta because the government changes the capital city of this country.  I have always had this thought for a while, I wanted to change nationality since I have no hope from this country. That looks like an easy way out, but when I brought this topic casually to my mom, she declines it, because whom she's gonna live with. She'd rather stay with me, it's an unofficial announcement that I'm the chosen child that will take care of her when she grows old. Look, I am not gonna argue about how that will make you special and you&

5 years ago, I was at the airport, waiting for my flight back to Jakarta. I wrote about it then, on this blog, how I regretted going back to Jakarta before my birthday and leaving my mom on Indonesian's Mother's Day. Now today, I am at home. Only this afternoon we all gathered in this house. My brother and his wife, my sister and her friend who came to pick her up, and mom and dad. Now, I am the only child at home. My sister went back to Jakarta and my brother, well.. he's with his wife at his in-laws'.  I realize how quiet this house is, without my brother and my sister. Whenever they're here, I tried to make it as noisy as I can so my parents can feel how lively this house is with their children. I would find excuses to bother my sister, or to yell at my brother like we used to do when we were younger. But, they have their own life now. Well, I, have my own life too.    I am supposed to go abroad to continue my study, but my destination country chose to ✨close✨the