Gubak Surep

There's nothing frustrating (at least for me) than feeling stupid. Definition of stupid : "Lacking in intelligence or exhibiting the quality of having been done by someone lacking in intelligence." (Wiktionary) That's right, lacking in intelligence. I like smart people, they use advanced words to express their knowledge. I can learn from them. Their depth and wide understanding on how this world works, their wide vocabularies when having philosophical arguments or such.. But at the same time, I feel stupid and damn, I can not understand any of this. Did I not use my time wisely before? What have I learnt this whole life? It's like 6th grader all over again. Everyone understood the topic our teacher explained, and there I was feeling like an idiot because I understood nothing. These smart people must be laughing at us primitives.

Sour, mate. I acknowledge that people are demanding that there should be lessons at school on how to do your tax, or how to manage your finance, or how to count your alms (for Muslims). And I finally feel what all the fuss is about. Indeed. We need to learn about those practical skills before entering adulthood. A place where you get slapped and punched by responsibilities, and living expenses. I am not trained for adulthood. I learned about tax back in university but I didn't practice, so that won't make any difference for life after university. I learned a lesson on how to count your alms back in school, but honey, it was ages ago. And I didn't even finish my online course at Future Learn about managing money. In this desperate time, I really need a time machine so I could just go back to my childhood where the challenges were just facing bullies. That's right. At the moment I do think bullies are not as scary as responsibilities. I could just cry and ignore b...

It's tough. Especially if you're a working-pregnant woman who commutes everyday using commuter line train and TransJakarta bus. Yes, there are special seats for pregnant women in the train and the TransJakarta, but you just can't help it when it's rush hour and you're departing from the 3rd-4th-5th-and more stations or bus shelters where the mentioned public transportation are already filled and crowded from other commuting people (hah, what an ineffective sentence). I witnessed, several freaking times, where I saw pregnant woman stands in the middle of crowded passengers, both on the train and the bus. Trying to hold and protect their tummy from the pressure. Oh, I'd give my seat, if I myself were sitting. And of course I helped them to find a seat and sit down. But that one time I couldn't help her to sit down as the priority seats in front of us were already full of pregnant woman. It really bothers me the whole ride because we can't move either, ...

The words are walking around And she grabs them, word by word, places them on her mind, arranges them in order "I have them, but they don't have me" Those words mean something, she says They are representing something And then she chases more words She's hoping her heart would be at ease Words are running faster Then she manages to catch them all "I would do anything for them" She's catching her breath But that was hard, she says Why are they running? I'll stop, she says I'm always looking for the words But they never look for me I, I give up.. It's been a good time, a great time But it was one way, not the other Then she let those words go It's a good bye

16 Februari 2015, 08:30 Awak duduak di kursi, sadang manunggu mbak Rini yang ka maagiah tau awak tentang magang iko. Iyo, awak karajo. Walaupun magang tapi saindaknyo awak ado kegiatan, ado karajo, basalang satu minggu abis wak wisuda. Ndak banyak urang yang langsuang dapek kesempatan karajo mode awak, jadi awak bersyukur. Tapi beda jo ama wak, agak barek hatinyo caliak awak cuma jadi anak magang. Jujur awak agak sadiah. Tapi baa lah, yo namonyo gaek pasti nionyo anak dapek karajo tetap abis wisuda. Apo lai anaknyo talambek lulus.. Ah, abaikan lah. Sampai ma wak tadi? Oiyo, awak sadang manunggu mbak Rini, yo? Bara kali wak mancaliak ado staf mudo kalua lewat pintu di muko awak. Mengabaikan awak yang lah mode urang ongok di kantua urang. "Bolok lai ko", berkali-kali wak bapikia mode tu. Tapi yo mungkin kayak gitu yo.. tahun lalu awak magang sumantu ko juo. Duduak sambia manunggu urang tibo. Rasonyo lah baabaik-abaik awak duduak. Lamoo bana.. Akhirnyo tibo juo mbak Rini...

Wajahnya basah, mungkin dia baru mencuci muka, atau dia baru saja ambil wudhu. Aku masih duduk di sini, TV menyala namun aku tidak memperhatikan sama sekali. Sesuatu tentang betapa kacaunya penduduk bumi ini, aku rasa. Aku hilang dalam lamunanku, menelaah semua percakapan yang terjadi lima jam lalu. Apa yang terjadi? "Ayo, sholat." ajaknya sambil mengecilkan volume televisi. "Ah, iya.." tentu saja, sholat Isya. Aku pun berjalan ke kamar mandi dan mengambil wudhu. Wajah, tangan, rambut, telinga, dan kaki. Anggota tubuhku hafal gerakan ini, bahkan ketika aku tidak bisa mengingat hal lain. Kenapa aku tidak ingat hal lain? Kenapa baru sekarang aku peduli? Ya Allah maafkan hamba-Mu. Bahkan di saat seharusnya aku mencurahkan segala perhatian untuk menyembahMu aku malah memikirkan hal yang lain. Mengapa sekarang? Mengapa sekarang aku baru mengkhawatirkan masa lalu? Mereka bahkan bukan orang yang aku kenal. Kenapa aku harus peduli? "Assalaammu...

I always hated you, for everything you've done to me, for everything you haven't done to me. I always hated you, that I've killed you several times in my mind, in every possible way. I always hated you, and I always resent you. I didn't treat you good enough. I didn't take care of you. I didn't appreciate you very much that I always blamed you when things went wrong. Sometimes I didn't feel grateful to be with you, even though you were here all the time. It was so hard to forgive you, harder than forgiving anybody else. But you know what? As much as I hate you, I always try to love you. And I will, I will love you I will love you for the rest of my life I will love you until our hair turn gray I will love you for the good, and the bad I will love you, and I will forgive you I will take care of you I will appreciate you And I will try my best to make you a better person I AM sorry for everything, And thank you, for everything. Dear Self...