Torture

I'm on the train to Jakarta Kota. Though I bought the return ticket from UI to Pasar Minggu, I took this train instead because just before I decided to take the Bogor train, my stomach hurt and I needed to find the less crowded toilet, which is in Pasar Minggu Baru station.

Ok, too much (not that important) information ya?

But let me explain why.

I just figured out that if you think too much, or maybe just me, all the tension somehow managed to find its way to the stomach, assuming this kind of stress would be released through defecation.

Well body, you're so damn wrong.

This is torture. Just because I'm thinking about someone lately (you'd be surprised of how long is this), my heart beats faster. His image slightly crossed my mind, my heart hurt. I saw his name on random places, I felt like I've been electrocuted. I saw anything related to him, I held my chest as if I'm having a mini heart attack. And it happens every single time. I know exactly how to "cure" this, but I don't have the guts to do that. I'm so invested with these feelings and these imaginations, I'm afraid I'd be devastated once I know the truth. I'm afraid of rejection.

But aren't we all? At some point, we're afraid to be rejected.

So here I am, just passed Gondangdia station, heading to Jakarta Kota, hoping I can clear my head and calm down.

But you know what? I can't.

I reread this and I see myself being upset that I'm having this feeling. The upsetting part is because to this date, I can't confirm whether the feeling is mutual, and that's just sad. As much as I want to romanticise this feeling, to write this beautifully, to describe how deep is this feeling, so much that I feel like I'm dying right now, I can't. I'm afraid. I'm scared.