Gubak Surep

Seeing how my parents now, I find myself that I kept repeating the same old chant. A negative one. And I know universe works on its own unexpected way, so I want to try a different approach. May I find someone who put me first, someone I can talk to about anything, who is wise kind and smart. I am working to be one myself, I am on my way to put my heart at ease, to love myself. To forgive how I was brought up. 

marriage

Counting on the days before going back to the capital city. Today I didn't join my parents on their daily morning walk, instead I tried random workout in my room, anything as long as I sweat. My mom planned to cook a lot of food, so I helped her peeling the shallots while munching some sala lauak that my dad bought afterwards. But the highlight of my day wasn't the tasty food I ate today, but it's the Among Us Polus lobby that I've played this evening. It's been a while since I've been on a nice lobby, with random people who just want to play with some strangers and chatted for a bit. It was really nice that I stayed for a couple of games. It's nice, it really was nice playing with them. It's been a couple of months since I started playing Among Us, and I gotta say that I love playing on public rooms, and it's always the North America servers. Sure, some of them were lame because of these underage kids cannot communicate and cheat, but I've actua...

Selamat malam. Saat ini, kurang dari 1 jam lagi sebelum sistem penanggalan berubah dari tahun 2020 menjadi 2021. Perdebatan setiap tahun yang selalu muncul, bahkan dari postingan adik saya pada status whatsapp-nya adalah jangan merayakan pergantian tahun baru. Kebetulan saya bukan hamba Islam yang ideal ya, jadi saya sih tidak masalah mengucapkan atau pergi berkumpul dan merayakan pergantian tahun masehi. Tapi masalahnya tahun ini kan ada pandemi, jadi mana ada perayaan seperti itu. Tapi saya pikir-pikir lagi sepertinya beberapa tahun terakhir saya sih tidak peduli. Pergantian tahun dari 2019 ke 2020 saja saya tidur lebih awal, dan bangun-bangun melihat sungai di belakang tempat tinggal saya sudah tinggi dan ada longsor kecil di sisi sungai. Hujan turun dengan derasnya, dan saya amat sangat bersyukur tempat tinggal saya aman dan tidak mengalami gangguan berarti, bahkan air keran masih relatif aman (untuk mandi dan mencuci). Tapi saya agak menyesal, tidak membuat refleksi terhadap apa s...

berlari-lari aku diburu-buru waktu harus ini dan itu jangan begini begitu terengah-engah aku ingin menangis namun malu "tahan sajalah", pikirku "demi masa depanku" sampai akhirnya aku terisak-isak pilu teringat kata ibu "aku ingin cucu" tertatih-tatih aku penuh bimbang dan ragu berpikir satu-satu walau semua kelabu

I've been reading my old posts from this blog and I didn't realize just how much I've been through, how far I've come. And today has been weird, and I have a feeling that there will be something, or that today happened because something is going to happen in the future. I'm not sure what is, but I'm just gonna write it here about what happened today hoping that when I stumble upon this writing again, I'd have the answer, just like when I read those old posts and I already had explanations. Today is weird because it was unusual, not like my days since the beginning of the pandemic. If I have to go to the office, my day usually goes like this: I wake up, I do Subuh prayer, I'll scroll my phone or just go to sleep again before waking up for my 7 am alarm to clock in. Then I will take a bath, iron my clothes (or not at all), check my phone again, and then I will go to work, taking the 7.30/8 am train. At the office I usually make a cup of instant coffee, cat...

No matter what I have done in my life, I always think I am a disappointment to my parents. There was a time I failed the university entrance tests, or that time when I didn't finish my bachelor degree on time, that moment when I worked for a private company and considered to work on a non-governmental organization, that time when I was unemployed for a couple of months and had been nothing but a burden for both of my parents (well, for mom specifically, because she was the one who gave me money). During these times, I couldn't help but think that I can never make my parents proud or live to their expectations. For all of the aforementioned failures, I eventually got to make my parents relieved. I did get accepted at one of the best universities in the country, I did graduate from that university even though I was one semester late, and I did get a job at a government agency. Basically, I finally managed to check their list of the ideal standards of success. To this point, I bel...