7th Grade

I was reading "Becoming", a book by Michelle Obama, when there's a part where she told us readers that time she was in high school where she didn't feel smart enough to be there. I paused, put my book down, and my mind start to wander to junior high school, when I was in 7th grade and trying my best to be a good student knowing that we got into the school because we had the best final test scores in the city. I was the only student from my elementary school, knew no one except my neighbor who lived behind my house who was also got accepted there. But we weren't that close, well tbh I wasn't close to the boys in my neighborhood back then as all I could remember is that they hated my presence and they always made fun of me. Aand yeah, so practically I was alone in that school. I didn't know how to make new friends and just waited until someone greet me. Tough times, tough times indeed for younger me..

So in the classroom, I sat in the front row, not only to concentrate on the lessons but also to see the board clearer because my visions had been bad since 6th grade and I didn't use glasses at first because I was afraid to tell my parents. And sitting next to my friend Widya, I tried to keep asking questions to teachers, raise my hand to answer the questions they asked, etc etc.. I mostly didn't understand the subject, I didn't have extra lessons after school because my parents were renovating the house and they needed a lot of money. Heck, I remember we had to break my piggy bank and collecting all those coins to pay for my tuition because we were that broke from the renovation that took years to finish. With that in mind, I tried my best to get all the extra points from teacher as I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I just didn't feel smart enough I just had to try harder.

But of course my classmates back then didn't know about my conditions. I assumed all they saw was this annoying ugly girl who just seeking attention from the teachers. There was a bunch of girls who keep laughing and made fun of me, and also a group of boys who called me names. Later I found out most of them came from the same elementary school and were born with silver spoon. Mad rich I supposed. But lack of kindness. I didn't get it why they made fun of me then, did they hate seeing me answering questions? Was I annoying? Was it my face? All of these unanswered questions often left me in tears. I once couldn't hide it I burst into tears in class my friend had to call them out. But of course they were being ignorant as hell they only laughed it away.

My desk was close to the front door and I could just stare into nothingness when I was feeling sad because of all the hate I was getting. I remember I just stared blankly to the rooftop across my building when it was raining cats and dogs. I kinda regretted applying to that school with no friend from the elementary school and all I saw was my class was divided into 2 groups: the mean girls and the underdogs. I often took a very deep breath seeing that rooftop wondering when will the class and my misery end. Seeing that rooftop, especially when it rained, somehow brought me peace. Until I heard the sound of those girls laughing again and I just put my face on the desk and silently sobbed.

Library was my sanctuary. I didn't say I didn't become friends with other girls but being an early teenager sometimes I felt they weren't really my friend. I felt they also talked behind my back, or I just felt left out because I didn't understand what they were talking about. Ah, 7th grade was hard I tells ya. It took me the whole semester to finally found the pattern to the friendship. But whatever ups and downs I was facing, I always ran into library on the lunch breaks. Actually, that was the first time I read Detective Conan comics and one Harry Potter novel. It was my safe haven from all of the hate I thought I was getting. For 15 minutes I felt like I escaped to a whole new world where I don't have to worry about what people think, what people talk about me. For 15 minutes, I could actually enjoy being at school. The smell of the old books, the dust, the sound of people turning the pages, the almost quietness I was absorbing, it was the perfect 15 minutes I could have every day from Monday to Saturday. And when the bell rang telling me it was time to go back to class, I sighed.

Back then I hated and scared them so much I prayed so I didn't get into the same class with them the next year. I did. I got the nicest and most fun friends in the 8th and 9th grade. Looking back it was just I didn't know the "How to Survive Being a New Teenager" and those girls maybe just enjoy laughing at everything. Anyway, that story was part of my journey and it's what made me who I am today..