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17 March 2018

The rain has stopped, and now I'm listening to a playlist on YouTube called Relaxing Rainy Jazz. The birds next door are chirping as I am trying to arrange my thoughts and write anything about me, what happened for the past year.

So, I finally got a job. A permanent one, I hope. Haha.

Yaa.. after a full year of struggling, I finally can make my mom cried with tears of joy.

"Oh my daughter is now a candidate for civil servant. Her life is set," this is what I imagined her saying to her colleagues. I know, because that's exactly what she said to me. That she was relieved that finally I got a job. Not just a job, because I've had one or two before. It's becoming a civil servant. A parents' dream. I'd never thought that I could make my mom so happy just because I got accepted at one of the most prestigious ministries in the country. Wow. Thought I'd be a disappointment forever.

No, don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to put my degree, those 4,5 years of blood, sweat, and tears to good use. My internship at the Ministry of Public Works was one of the reason. Working at the Ministry, that's the dream for this Public Administration graduate, baby. But I was one semester late to my graduation because I was struggling with my bachelor thesis. And when I heard that some of my friends were accepted as civil servant in 2014, I was.. disappointed, but also amazed. They were so cool because I knew that after 4 full years of moratorium, the applicants number were not a joke. About 2.6 million people applied for just  100k positions. Insane.

And the government once again being so generous putting a hold for civil servant selections for the next 3 years. And those are the years I tried to live finding what kind of job is fulfilling my life. Like the one I've mentioned before, that I want to work at non profit organizations. You know, the one that makes you feel that you do something useful for people, for the environment. Boy oh boy what a tough 3 years, I might say now.

Honestly, things are not pretty since 2015. A lot of shit happens, but I still had my girl to pass each day. But now, just when I finally got a job which is surprisingly, again, close to her office, she resigned. Aah, adulthood. Never been a big fan of you. 

So now, I just try to live each day, from the moment I wake up at 5 am to coming home from work at 5.20 pm. I felt nothing again. But this time, a good-nothing. Not the bad-nothing I had in 2015-2016. Or the flat-nothing in 2017. I tried anything to make me feel something. Volunteering, watching sitcoms, hanging out with friends.. But at the end of the day, it's nothing but this sinking feeling. Even after a good phone call with my family. The moment it ended, that's I started to feel nothing again.

Damn, what the hell Nedayah. You seem to live a meaningless life.

I don't know, but I had a feeling that 2018 is going to be a better year. Just like what I feel about 2010. The beginning of everything, a fresh start.

It's a bit late, but, Welcome to 2018, Nadiah.

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