Langsung ke konten utama

The clock is ticking, it's 1.30 am and I still can't sleep. I'm watching Korean Drama, and the story somehow represents the college life very well and the main character, for the first 3 episodes, seem a bit like me.

Yes I'm watching kdrama again, as I need something to entertain my life because it's been boring and flat as hell I just live from day to day, from paycheck to paycheck. I try to balance it with talking with friends, or hang out on weekends. But it requires money and I am just broke af I need to save my money (not to mention that  I'll be unemployed -again- soon. 😂)
Lately I bring a book in my bag, books I bought but I never read them, so I can read it on my way home. But since my phone magically installed an app called BeeMovie (I must've pressed the pop-up ad), I can just download kdrama straight to my storage. I've finished W - Two Worlds (oh don't we all want to get into our favourite manga world?), I watched Doctors (but not finished, the conflict is not that interesting, but Kim Rae Won oh God) and I'm just starting to watch Cheese in the Trap.
I'm not gonna talk about the story, just the female character. She's a college student, relying on scholarship, and tries very hard to maintain her scores. A senior seems to like her, but she doesn't know and always suspects him that he has another motive. She likes to keep her problems to herself it ruins her friendship as well.

I know exactly someone who's like her

Moi

Not the scholarship or the study thing, but the fact that she keeps her problems to herself somehow represents me well. Her friends in that drama told her, you shouldn't have kept your problem to yourself. You should tell your friends.

But, what's wrong with keeping it to yourself? Well at least I have my reasons.
1. I don't want to bother someone who doesn't even care about my existence with my story. They'll just assume something and won't get the whole situation
2. I'm protecting myself from their cruel responds. I need comfort. Or I am just stating here that I'm a coward and I don't want to hear your straightforward advise
3. If I can fix it myself, why bother tell everyone about it?

I don't know everyone's stories, and what they have been through. Might be worse than mine, might not be. But know this, I'm damaged, fucked up, so hard I actually consider to have a session with a psychologist. To heal my wound, to accept myself, and to be a better self. Or fake my own death and live with new identity.

I just close my eyes. Apparently my automatic shut down time has been moved from 4 am to 2 am.

Good night, have a nice dream.

Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

frustrated, or maybe even depressed

First of all, this is just a personal blog trying to process my personal experience, emotions, and feelings in light of my personal recent events which cause this frustration. Part of why this is happening probably was because I had these thoughts for several years, of my fears losing the ability to use my hands, or legs. The ability to hear. I already lost the ability to see normally ages ago, which also, probably the cause of my accident. I would like to apologize in advance for this post, if it seems insensitive. Again, this is just me trying to process. I don't know why, but since 2019, my August has always been cursed - if I ever leave my nest. The recent accident was worse, I fell into the sea, while I was just walking through this dark, un-illuminated path small dock in Sorong and somehow my left arm hit something which resulted in a broken arm - wearing spalk during the 4 hours flight to Jakarta which continued on several days - and a surgery to install plate and screws. It...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya

No, I'll go first

Today was a long day, and I came home with ache on both of my legs. Funny. I recalled those times when I was still in Tokyo, I could walk for miles and miles and hours after hours. Last time when mom visited, I walked back and forth here and there to accommodate both my mom and sister. My mom wasn't feeling well during the trip, and she couldn't walk to as many places as my sister could. It was also summer, yet I wasn't as tired as I'm feeling right now. After the trip finished, I sent them both off at Haneda airport. That time, I was feeling okay. I would meet them in a couple of months since I'd be graduating. I was okay, unlike those times when I sent my family off at Soetta after visiting me in Depok. I was always sad and would always cry after taking my mom, or my dad, or my sister (my brother rarely visited) there to go back to Padang. I felt lonely, and sad, and there was this huge hollowness of being left.  And just tonight, I was watching this music video a...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya

A Story of Unsuccessful Romance: Chapter 1

 I Saw You Across The Classroom I would've never thought that the moment I saw him for the first time across our classroom was the moment that I would remember for the longest time. I was just a 14 year old kid who like pretty people with pretty eyes. Little did I know I would think over him over the years.. I got accepted to one of reputable public high school in my city, barely. My name was at the bottom of selection results, like, the last 5 people who got in to this school. Nevertheless, I was excited, of course. It was my dream to be a student here since it would help me path my way to go to reputable universities in the future. Back then, this school had two special programs, the acceleration program where you could study in high school for two years, and the international program - where you (were supposed to) learn all the subjects in English. I just finished my orientation and I was initially studying at grade X (ten) - 3. My mom, who was a high school teacher herself in a...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya