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The clock is ticking, it's 1.30 am and I still can't sleep. I'm watching Korean Drama, and the story somehow represents the college life very well and the main character, for the first 3 episodes, seem a bit like me.

Yes I'm watching kdrama again, as I need something to entertain my life because it's been boring and flat as hell I just live from day to day, from paycheck to paycheck. I try to balance it with talking with friends, or hang out on weekends. But it requires money and I am just broke af I need to save my money (not to mention that  I'll be unemployed -again- soon. 😂)
Lately I bring a book in my bag, books I bought but I never read them, so I can read it on my way home. But since my phone magically installed an app called BeeMovie (I must've pressed the pop-up ad), I can just download kdrama straight to my storage. I've finished W - Two Worlds (oh don't we all want to get into our favourite manga world?), I watched Doctors (but not finished, the conflict is not that interesting, but Kim Rae Won oh God) and I'm just starting to watch Cheese in the Trap.
I'm not gonna talk about the story, just the female character. She's a college student, relying on scholarship, and tries very hard to maintain her scores. A senior seems to like her, but she doesn't know and always suspects him that he has another motive. She likes to keep her problems to herself it ruins her friendship as well.

I know exactly someone who's like her

Moi

Not the scholarship or the study thing, but the fact that she keeps her problems to herself somehow represents me well. Her friends in that drama told her, you shouldn't have kept your problem to yourself. You should tell your friends.

But, what's wrong with keeping it to yourself? Well at least I have my reasons.
1. I don't want to bother someone who doesn't even care about my existence with my story. They'll just assume something and won't get the whole situation
2. I'm protecting myself from their cruel responds. I need comfort. Or I am just stating here that I'm a coward and I don't want to hear your straightforward advise
3. If I can fix it myself, why bother tell everyone about it?

I don't know everyone's stories, and what they have been through. Might be worse than mine, might not be. But know this, I'm damaged, fucked up, so hard I actually consider to have a session with a psychologist. To heal my wound, to accept myself, and to be a better self. Or fake my own death and live with new identity.

I just close my eyes. Apparently my automatic shut down time has been moved from 4 am to 2 am.

Good night, have a nice dream.

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これを書き留めておく必要があります。そうしないと、気持ちが溜まってしまいます。

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