this girl has a weak heart

hola.

I just did a blogwalking, and made me realize.. how I actually love cats than human, at least for now. I've been in heartbreaking moments, where I lost my cats, I saw them suffering, suffering and dying, and vanished completely from this earth. I could cry for nights, remembering the time I've had spent together with my cats. Except for their cuteness, I could not forget the memories I've had with them. When I came home and fed them, or when I made my assignments and they slept near my computer, or when I wanted to go to bed and I took them to sleep with me. Everything. I LOVE my cats. and I LOVE talking back to them. It's like, I know what they wanted, what they desired from their eyes. okay, maybe it's too much but, that's how I felt about my cats..

When did I fall in love with them? I think it's when I moved to my current house. There were some cats, asking for the food, and my dad fed them outside our house. And they kept coming everyday because that's what cats do, right. Once they found somewhere to eat, they'll keep coming to that place. My dad doesn't mind about feeding cats. And I usually would see him feeding those cats. Until one of them stayed (outside) our house and giving birth to 4 adorable kitten, my mom showed that she didn't like cats around the house, because she thought that cats are food thieves and shit everywhere. but dad and I convinced her that we'll take responsibilities if that happens. yea, well. That's a long story. It was 14 years ago..

I named my cats based on character on cartoons. Pikachu, Pooh.. Those are names that I gave to our cats. My dad and my little brother and sister also contributed to name them. Kitty, Tom, Boy, Jerry. Okay, and I forgot most of the names but I remember what my father name. Ndut, Gaek, Muda, Triping, Kuning, Duren.. hahahahah those names are unique because they were named after their original story. Ndut, because he was fat. Gaek, because she was old and the "grand mother" of our cats. Muda, because she was Gaek's daughter and much younger than Gaek. Triping, because he walked like he was tripping. Well, the sad story behind his walk was because his foot was hit by car and can't walk normally ever since. But I love him. Because he didn't walk too far from our house and it would always be easy when it's time to feed him. He was my cat when I was in the elementary and he just lost without trace. and then.. Kuning, because he is yellow and he is Muda's younger brother. and last.. Duren, a little kitty who liked to lick my finger after I ate Durian. It was sad when he passed away, getting hit by a car :'((

yes, my uncountable cats were all gone. mostly by accidents, some because another male cats ate them, and even crazier, her mom ate them! it was Muda and I think she's already lost her mother nature. or they were gone because they can't stand other cats in the neighborhood. and Boy, my recent cat had gone.. we have no more cats but Muda. Pfft. That canibal mother. by the way, I think she is 10 years old now, or older.

You know, I'm living in another town. My dorm's owner has a cat, and she is very healthy and cute. But, I don't want to make relationship with cats anymore. I don't, I don't want to be hurt, when I lost them or saw them dead. I can't. That hurts, you know.. I'm weak. yes. obviously. but of course, I don't mind to feed them if I saw them. I still give my food when I am at canteen and saw cats or dogs. :') I just, don't want to be tethered with cats. When it's ripped, it hurts like hell :(

this girl has a weak heart...